Letter 1
Evil Genius Submitting Resume.

I have a long history of evil. I have been awarded several recognitions for my work in the field. I studied evil at oxford and graduated with honors. i applied to graduate school but found that i desired to bring my passion for evil to the 'real world,' which has quite a dearth of evil geniuses. I have been searching for a permanent position ever since. I realize I may not seem particularly evil, but that is only because you haven't given me an interview yet. I promise that my skill as evildoer as well as my past works will thoroughly impress you. Please respond.

Very Sincerely Yours
Laura, E.P.

Letter 2
Thank you for your interest in our organization.

Dear Laura,

We appreciate your expressed zeal for evil. Perhaps it would only be fair of me to tell you a little bit more about what I am looking for, as well as my qualifications as a henchman.

I was originally part of the Coalition for Dastardly Deeds and Minor Heinousness. I left that organization after it merged with the United Federation of Nasty Individuals and Supervillains. I found their dogma was stifling and "too corporate". Prior to that my resume is extensive. I started by simply poisoning my the well of my hometown village, their only water supply for miles. After that I traveled around quite a bit, helping to build evil weather machines. I specialize in assisted necromancy (myself being an apprentice necromancer as well as an accomplished body snatcher).

You sound like just the kind of grass roots evil that I am looking for. Too often I have found evil geniuses in the past to become too focused on the defeat of a nemesis or suffer from hubris. I will have to have you meet with my agent and publicist before conducting a full interview as we have to make sure that you have a salable "image" that works complimentarily with my talents. Ideally you will have aspirations to carve your grinning visage onto the face of the moon with a laser that is powered entirely by the world's largest diamond and / or thoughts toward releasing an army of genetically engineered spiders onto the general populace.

We look forward to your response, and if you feel our organization is not right for you we wish you luck on future endeavors.

Burnz.

Letter 3.
Re-contact.

Dr. Burnz-

I had no idea the aspirations of your corporation were so lofty, nor did I realize that the position for which I am applying entails etching my own image on the moon or on any celestial body, for that matter. I must admit that this has been a personal goal of mine, however as a freelancer I found obtaining the proper equipment to be the real pitfall. I must, at the risk of sounding over-enthusiastic, admit that I am indeed over-enthusiastic.

While it is not my place to interfere with the future plans of your esteemed company, as a candidate for what i understand to be upper management I must interject with regards to the spiders. While on a far smaller scale, I myself released a respectably-sized fleet of genetically-altered mosquitos in Westfied, Iowa. While the intentions and technology were ideal, the response was rather lackluster and I find it to be a black hole for finances. Please accept my humble apology with my recommendation.

Finally, having no nemesis and not yet having fully developed my hubris, which I hope to do under the esteemed aegis of your organization. While I am distinctly evil in upringing, education, and yes even decor, I must admit that I am looking forward to reaching some consensus and cooperation with your company. Please accept these correspondences in lieu of a resume as I find following protocol to be an evil to which even I am unwilling to succumb. I look forward to your response and I shall wait next to my computer for it.

Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Laura, E.P.

Letter 4.
A prompt reply.

Dear Laura,

I sincerely appreciate the luster and candor of your last letter. We've often felt it best to not sell our company short. We have some talented people here with some truly creative ideas. I am actually on my way to a prospectus meeting regarding the adoption and reprogramming of orphans. While some of our senior partners have been a bit recalcitrant in committing such a faux pas, and fear that we're taking too much of a "City of the Damned" or "Children of the Corn" approach to evil I really believe that the subtle art of turning children into ravenous usurpers is a very neo-classical approach. But I really have to see the numbers before I can declare this an official project of ours.

Oh, and just to correct you, I am not a recognized doctor in any field within the boundaries of the United States. Until such time as our higher education system can catch up with the foresight of the rest of the world will I receive my (much deserved) degrees in the areas of Medieval Information Extraction nor Dance. I am an admiral in The Unholy Navy of Lychesis, but you may refer to me by my stage name "Princess Sparkles" although I am not royalty due to my persistent inability to feel any kind of produce placed beneath a pile of mattresses. Except for the pumpkin. But that barely earns you a dutchessship with the economy being the way it is. I hope this in no way affects your interest in working with us.

I respect the fact you were so forthcoming about your hesitations regarding the spiders. Needless to say it only helped your chances as I have encountered far too many "Yes Men" who would insist that everything was going on schedule until the rebel fleet arrived and I was left with a half-finished magma cannon because they "still hadn't worked all the bugs out yet". I doubt I need to tell you about the lasting humiliation that a half-finished magma cannon can cause a perfectionist such as myself. I had to eat a whole quart of Butter Rum ice cream and watch not only Steel Magnolias and Frankenstein twice, but also bought far too many shoes just to feel comfortable again. Poor Janine was up all night with me on the phone after it happened. I cannot possibly go through that again. Partially because Janine is such a total skank and ran off with Vigo just when he and I had finished the Doomsday seating arrangement. You try seating the cannibal blob family. Hell, you try seating a blob. God.

I am not the final decision, but we definitely feel you should come in for a tour of our facilities and we can feel each other out. See if our lab is up to specs and so forth. I won't lie to you, it is a smaller operation, but I like to think of us as one big dysfunctional hive of love, backstabbing, support, self-congratulation, more backstabbing, and hope.

We hope you feel the same way.

Sincerely,
Princess "Burnz" Sparkles.

Letter 5.
A prompt response.

At the risk of jeopardizing the professionalism of our burgeoning relationship, I cannot hesitate to reveal that I read your last correspondence with a rather considerable grin on my face. Moreover, it was not a smirk of malevolence, I regret to inform you: it would seem, my dear Sparkles, that you are one of the more humorous masterminds I have been fortunate enough to encounter, here, there, or anywhere. I fear that the professionalism of our communication and my eventual employment is likely to be shattered by a very strong sexual tension revolving primarily around your propensity for large words, which I find inevitably erotic. I must beg you with the utmost sincerity to pay mind to the quality of your prose.

That rather mortifying tidbit aside, I must inquire about said entity 'Vigo.' I myself am responsible for the creation of the Vigo device (Virtual Integrated Granular Orificificationalismisticate) created primarily for the seduction of my female co-oworkers. I find evil to be an unforgiving industry for those of the feminine persuasion, and I found Vigo to be an excellent apparatus for dealing with such competitive unpleasantries. Normally, facilitating the knock-uppage of my co-oworkers with an alien spermatozoa likely if not certain to gouge out their insides--not to mention work ethic-- has allowed my gradual ascent into realms of evil I would not normally achieve. Thankfully, this in and of itself is evil, and after a degree of profound soul-searching...well, perhaps I might just say 'thinking'-- I realized I am blameless in the matter, and cannot be construed as anything less than the epitome of evil. At least for a girl.

What I must draw your attention to is the following. Firstly, I must request the dismissal of Vigo, seeing as how his inherent programming is calibrated for my eventual demise so long as I decide to remain female. This is hardly an environment that would promote a career switch. Secondly, I must regretfully inform you that your assistant Janine is likely to have her insides melted. You might keep your eyes open for this; symptoms may include an irrepressible urge to copulate, which is normally easy to detect. Perhaps dismiss her early to avoid an encounter with any legal action. Thirdly, I should like to schedule an appointment to review your offices for the soonest available date, though I must admit that I am, so to speak, in the proverbial bag [vis a` vis your excellent linguistic skills and aptitude for confessional-type self revelation, which I find morbidly enchanting.]

I enjoy our correspondences very much, Princess, and I do hope that they will continue once I am employed in another department of the corporation. Perhaps we can schedule some sort of sordid affair, but that is surely in the future into which, despite my greatest and most concentrated efforts, I cannot see.

Very Sincerely Yours
Laura, E.P.

Letter 5.
Legal Jibba-Jabba.

To whom it may concern:
This letter is being generated and sent to you by the legal offices of Sparkle Co. an affiliate of Evil Inc.

Dear Current or Prospective employee of Sparkle Co. / Evil Inc.

If you are receiving this letter then you have in some way violated one or more of the considerable doctrines of either Sparkle Co. or Evil Inc. (hence to be referred to as "The Forsaken"). This will include one or more of the following infractions:

1 - You are taking legal action against The Forsaken as a result of a work-related injury or malformation. It is the strict policy of The Forsaken (hence to be referred to as "Client") that any and all work-related matters of this kind be treated by our on-site medical staff (hence to be referred to as "Death Squad"). If proper diagnosis or treatment was not administered by the Death Squad then all claims are null and void with the exception of the following items:

a. You have grown / are growing extra limbs, heads (hence to be referred to as "Sawdust Containment Units"), children, or elevated consciousness. If this is the case then be assured that we already have your signature pressed into rubber stamp form as you requested per paragraph 91 addendum 18 of the employee contract and will, as you further stated in paragraph 91 addendum 2(pi+9)/8logb1, be applied to a full confession of your embezzlement from the company. However, we would like to remind you that the Client sees this ailment as a blessing either from God (hence to be referred to as "God") or from our good friend Mr.. Fusion During an Exposed Core Meltdown. the Client also wishes to extend a future career in the BTEI (Big Top Entertainment Industry).

b. You are suffering a temporary loss of vision as you stagger through the hallways of the employment facility (hence to be referred to as "The Compound") and cannot thus make record of your injury with the Death Squad. We would then advise you to stay where you are as our friendly service personnel (hence to be referred to as "Patrol Bots") seek you out in order to properly serve all your mortal needs. This instruction will be listed in Braille at the bottom of this page. It will also be broadcast by the speakers on all our Patrol Bots. We wish you a full and speedy recovery of your vision. Unless you are that awful Phyllis down in Human Resources who thinks she can tease any bloody cock she likes. You hear me Phyllis? I hope you stay blind, might make your second job as a streetwalker a little harder.

2 - In the event you are not taking legal action against the Client (hence to be referred to as "The Overmind") then you have broken one of our policies as outlined in your Helpful Employee Helper Manual That Helps You (the employee) (hence to be referred to as "The Paper Your Life isn't Worth Being Printed On"). For your convenience we have listed below the charge specific to your case:

LAURA ETHEREDGE you have been found guilty of: SEXUALLY HARASSING THE PRINCESS AND CREATING AN UNFRIENDLY WORK ATMOSPHERE FOR HIM / HER AND WHILE HE / SHE IS FLATTERED, THIS SORT OF BEHAVIOR IS JUST NOT SOMETHING WE THINK YOUR MOTHER WOULD APPROVE OF DO YOU? WE MEAN HONESTLY.

3 - If the space above is blank then you have made eye contact with one or more eyes of The Overmind or took more than your fair share of special sauce from the cafeteria and your first born has been commandeered by the company for breeding.

Thank you for your servitude at Sparkles Co. an Evil Inc. affiliate. Remember, we watch you while you sleep because we care!

Boy I hoped you enjoyed reading that as much as I enjoyed writing it (minus the overuse of the hence to... gag).

Beyond that, Vigo must remain here. He is integral to my social life. Can't hold his liquor worth a damn, and is completely without recognizable genitalia (although neither are any of the dinosaurs if scientists are to be believed. Comical that I call paleontology science isn't it?) and that makes him quite the man about town. Oh, and that whole ability of his to release pheromones causing women to swoon with their hormones raging at uncontrollable levels. Without him I'd still be sitting in the dark arguing with my stuffed bear about whether to order white or red wine.

If you were in any way concerned about your position here, rest assured that any promise of a potential sordid affair has secured you a place in my company, my heart, and my essence extraction device.

Before you leap from your chair either in exultation or to fetch your mace can I must tell you of my deformity. To the average eye, I certainly look normal and healthy and without any deformity (minus the hook, but that is aesthetic) but deep down I am a dangerous person. Before I can allow you anywhere in the vicinity of Vigo I will have to require an inaugural sexual act. I will send you a jar of my seed. Be very wary with it as it is quite caustic. It has a 400 proof rating (which means there is actually more toxins in it than actual matter) and can act as nitroglycerine in a pinch. So far no earthling has survived it. Not even those who had already passed on. It revived them only to send them back to our other facility (the one recently placed across the river styx so as to prevent full loss of any employee).

All the advice I can give is to wear a back brace if you have one.

Remind me I must learn to avoid dazzling people with my humor and vocabulary so quickly, lest they come accustomed to it and begin to expect such jewels of wit and wisdom regularly. And nay, even anticipate my ability to out do myself at every turn.

We anticipate your visit with much anticipation and redundancy. Not to mention anticipation and redundancy. We also anticipate it with much bloodshed and severe crop depletion, but that is more to combat the burning foil of ours that floats betwixt the horizons daily. I would not hate him so were it not for the year I followed him only to arrive home every evening exhausted and confused at how my day of traveling had taken me nowhere. I learned it wasn't so bad if I hit the liquor store the second time I passed it each day. I then learned it was even better if I did it the first time too. Until such time as I found myself driving to mexico with the emergency brake on. Fuck the sun is what I am saying.

Ass gas or grass nobody rides for free,
Burnz. With special guest: The Legal Department.

Letter 6.
Victory.

I'm sure I've redeemed you and discounted myself by admitting that I am outdone. I am outdone. You have more references, more irrelevancies, more little tidbits collected from your every day life to spit back at me than I do at you. You win and I lose. You are my mental superior and i bend to your will.

Impressed,
Laura, E.P.