March 7th
Another Lovely Night in the Asylum

Sacrifice of virgin put on hold due to lack of virgin.

Time scheduled out of busy day to listen to your shit.

Man at urinal unnervingly chatty.

WetnHornynBarelylegalteensluts.com to become WildWetHornyyoungbitches.com after merging with RawFuckCherryPopperslive.com.

News: “Thinking outside the box is dangerous,” warns box makers. Pop culture has adapted a quip that refers to “thinking outside the box.” This, says many box makers, is a very dangerous concept. “We are basically unable to fathom what would occur if anyone were to actually think outside the box, so we ask that everyone continue to operate in the same herd mentality and not risk severe harm by any attempts to think outside the box. The consequences would be bad, really bad, fucking exorcist bad. You don’t want that, stay with the others, here is a nice fleece and some cargo pants, get back in line.”

News: Christian Scientists mercilessly mocked by actual scientists. During a game of dodge ball at recess this week, a small group of Christian Scientists was attacked by the intellectually bullying “real” scientists. The brutal mocking and cruelty of the actual scientists included such childish taunts as: “There has been sufficient medical evidence to show that prayer has no bearing on the healing of any kind of ailment.” And “If I smacked you in that pretty mamas’ boy nose would you pray for it to stop bleeding instead of applying a cold compress, or direct pressure in accordance with proper first aid? Huh, answer me bitch.” The actual scientists continued their informed and flawlessly delivered attacks until a teacher broke up the scuffle when it escalated into a shoving match. The actual scientists then took the ball away from the pro-lifers and stuck it up in a tree.

News: Stoner public service announcement airs. In an effort to combat the governmental monopoly on marijuana information, The United Federation of Cannabis and Stuff released a public service announcement. The content of the announcement was comprised of two adolescent-looking males sitting in a dorm room reading textbooks. The phrase “Another missed opportunity to smoke a fat J” is then spoken while corresponding words appear on the screen. The announcement aired at 9:17 Friday on FOX.

News: Romantic stroll by secluded lake prelude to Date Rape.
The shoreline of the lake in Jefferson Park, PA has been used by Stephen Graf as a cover area to lure unsuspecting females on a “romantic moonlit stroll” with the intent of attempting sexual intercourse, if and when refused Stephen then takes sexual advantage of them. The lake is also the site of picnics, rock skipping, and occasional beatings/muggings.

February 14th
Return of The Rag

For those of you familiar with my previous website (another painful eyesore) we have got a brand new, special reintroductory feature. After being lost in the cyber of space it's been found and is coming for many many times all over this site's face. Remeber: Hug your webmaster. I was originally going to auction Ben and I off to all you lonely lonely lonely women out there with no gag reflex. But it's just too bad, because I would rather put this:

Dear Mr. Burnz

This memo has been issued to you as a preliminary disciplinary action in regards to your attitude and general method of work.

First, it is the policy of our corporation and all affiliates to have an implied dress code. We feel that our policy is more than sufficiently liberal for a professional atmosphere. We do not feel that your garb is up to our standards. We ask foremost that you wear shoes to the office and refrain from such articles of clothing as your bunny slippers, in that they are distracting and uncouth for any person in an official position. Please do not wear tattered pants, or those with strings of christmas lights interwoven in them. We also feel that your choice of shirts is overly flamboyant. We wish for you to be able to express yourself, but tee-shirts with sayings like "Professional nigger dragger" and "How much to go in the backdoor sweetheart" are offensive and demeaning. There have also been complaints about the coloration of some of the others, as well as the grotesque portrayals of sexual acts displayed on them. Finally, hats are to be removed upon entering the building, especially those with viking horns.

On another note, we are not even sure what you could possibly need a harpoon gun for, and find your explanation of "Last line of planetary defense" confusing as well as insufficient cause for carrying a weapon, particularly since you have used it on more than one occasion as pest removal. We would be willing to supply you with a flyswatter if that is what is required.

Tardiness is a serious issue. We expect you to come in on time, and take lunch at the allotted hour. Your erratic schedule is simply unacceptable, particularly when you log multiple hours of overtime whenever there is any kind of holiday, be it Arbor day, May day, or Groundhog's day.

You relationships with your co-workers are also of great concern to us. How productive everyone is, as well as happy is the responsibility of every employee. Insulting the race, color, and creed of everyone you come in contact with will not be tolerated. Also, do not take time just to make new secretaries cry. Any physical contact at the office is illegal, especially when you rub against another employee while muttering "you think this harpoon is impressive, we should find a nice corner and I can show you a torpedo"

While we would like to believe that your menacing the board of trustees with your harpoon gun and instructing them against the wall so you can "throw this shit down columbine style" was entirely humorous, it was still off color and dangerous.

We also want you to feel at home in your office, but the sharpening wheel on which you hone the ornamental swords which you have (usually) mounted on your wall, as well as the multiple crow and raven type birds surrounding your desk are too far above the expected level and the front 1/4 of the camaro is stylish, but too space consuming.

Naturally drinking is not condoned during working hours. Especially when it requires your pulling the security guard away from his post to help you roll a keg. We also find the empty syringes typically carried on your person to be highly questionable.

Company e-mail is never to be used to send hateful or pornographic material. The picture of our CEO represented in front of a swastika flag was slanderous, and it is only out of his kind nature that charges are not being pressed.

All grievances with management or your co-workers should be expressed through the proper channels, not displayed in banner form across the main hallway with gratuitous use of the term "Soul swallowing Pandora's" when referring to members of the management. And your supervisor should be treated with respect, refer to him by name and not as "The Godless Leash Master"

And it would be appreciated that you refrain from insisting that everyone call you "Das FunkBot".

If you find yourself unable to mend these behaviors, then dismissal will soon follow. Thank you for your time.

February 5th
Horrors of simplicity.

Who do I suppose I am fooling? What did I do this morning? Let's see. I found out a moron I couldn't stand was ready to bail me out of jail. Then I ate an oreo, bought for me by someone thoughtful and charming. Then I threw "Throwing Copper" into the CD player. How could I do this since my copy is two hours away? Oh, but only by the unrequested benevolence of the party that brought me the cookies. A person that I have done nothing for but give my grimy residence to, complete with an often intoxicated Burnz who avoids shaving, neglects personal hygeine, and will often eat matter that a billy goat turned away from with what passes for swearing in billy goat.

I woke up mad as a shithouse rat that just came from it's job as a hatter. Why? Because I am a selfish jerk who thinks far too highly of himself. I say a lot of ugly things about women. Actually I try to make sure I say a lot of ugly things about anything that walks or crawls. But, and Ben is going to be mad when he reads this, sometimes you are so busy going off like a roman candle that you are missing the display that is right there. Normally it goes the other way.

But when it works, someone better than me should keep you. I might sound self pitying, and I am, but I don't know how to say "I failed" without it?

It's temporary and imperfect. It's something bred on the mat of a preschool and not in the mighty notch filled four poster bed of a professional. So I find it easy to call cookies and music silly. But I also preached the good of giving broken sunglasses and a pocket watch.

And calling it silly doesn't make it less thoughtful. And calling it silly doesn't make it less right. And calling it silly doesn't change the fact that:
It is more than I seem able to offer.

So help me God, if I get one e-mail from anyone but Ben criticizing this update, I will not envy you the violence that will result. It is an ugliness you won't survive to regret. That is what they put in me, so that is what I can give back. Yes, the internet is full of preening, posturing little shits. I wouldn't test my sincerity if I were you. Enough childish threatening.

February 3rd
They bogarted my keys.

<p><font color=GAYGAYGAY><size=Bigger than your dad><Modifier=Seriously he drives a Corvette and has a bald spot. Mid-life crisis?> That was just a little script humor for you. I just got back from 3 days and 3 nights of ...well, from all the empty booze and paper mache crucification dioramas around here I guess I was throwing a "Fall off the wagon for Jesus" party. And either the turnout was really good, or it was just me and one other person, because I think this beer is theirs.

My goddamn family would never check the mail. And now that I am gone, they still don't. I repeatedly tried broaching this subject with them before by using the typical method of the gentry around the turn of the century: I have left the bodies of their murdered kin on spikes outside their house and then challenged them to a fight to the death. They can even take the first weapon pick so long as they pick either the trout or the camel cigarette, because I was planning on using the gun. Although that trout looks like it could be formidable. It just occured to me that the murdered kin of my family would include me. So maybe that is what they are waiting for.

Seriously, they could check the mail once in in a while. I ordered a russian bride once and the poor girl would just be standing out there wearing nothing but postage. I bet someone stole her. Probably got their hands on my Sex Offender Dreamboat Calendar order catalog too.

What kind of world is it when good, wholesome, people can't walk down the street and pick up the Menendez 365 day desk calendar (now with wacky court out take photos) without fear? And those postal workers...I have seen them out there with my mail. Touching it. Holding it. Fondling it. Telling it is a lousy bitch for leaving them. Those people have real problems.

Hey, if the bank will give me another loan, I just decided I am going to throw a Grab-Bag duelist halloween party. I'll have a few cases full of weapons and everyone gets blindfolded and picks one and then must fight to the death with it. It'll be kickin'! You get to get all dressed up and could possibly be forced to batter Ragedy-Anne with a Lawn and Leaf bag full of gravel (and some of my neighbor's faggot japanese garden). Is that hot? The answer is a word with three letters. Oh ha ha, no, the answer isn't "not". It's Bro, but that is just because I speak the scholarly language of wigger.

Below are a couple of updates I didn't add...until now. There will probably be another one later tonight about an adoration that goes down smooth with no bitter aftertaste and can be found in unlikely locations. It will probably be marvelously gushy and contain the phrase "like woodchips in the morning."

January 12th
Gills to gullet.

Another lovely Monday night digging dried blood out of my skull. I did something that I probably should not have. I think it ruined my surrogate family, the only people that can really stand me anymore. So what did I do? I set my charges and sabotaged the hell out of it. For psychotic animals like me loving is a nasty minefield. Rotted is what I have become. Brains to bowels. Eyeballs to entrails. Mind to member. We're medicated alliteration.

They told me I would probably live to be about 45. They said that with medication I might be able to avoid spending the last ten years raving. They said that was best case. They gave me a list of warning signs. They said between the booze and the illness I'd be a wrecked thing. What they didn't say was that I had compiled diseases until I was beautiful and broken.They put me on Lithium.

Lithium is like watching someone else run your life. Sounds nice doesn't it? You don't feel fucking anything. Nothing. You are never happy or sad or anything. I ran over a cat. I stared at it for a long time. I stopped being me. More to come.

November 8th
They're breeders.

I am hesitant to write this update. I run the risk of beating a dead horse right after I come off sounding like a mindless malcontent. As has become the typicality of this site, this little talk is going to be about the bleeding half of the population.

Ben and I spent a portion of last night pleasing our visual senses with the charming visage of the women folk.

Do I need to point out that none of our other senses appreciated it at all?

Gender equality. Now, as an enlightened male with a gentle and friendly temperment, I am a big fan of equality of the genders. I believe in equal pay for equal work. I believe in respecting anyone who can care and support themselves. I believe in understanding and appreciating the trials and tribulations of the fairer sex. I believe that intellect and insight coming from anyone, male or female, should be taken into account.

The problem with all that is you walking wombs can't even have your skull be used as a maraca. Thank the good lord you're edible.

Let's just start with the obvious: I don't objectify you. You objectify you. If you're going to prance through the streets with your skirt around your throat, and your neckline around your waist, you are putting all your power in your sex appeal. Is that wrong? Certainly not. I am an extremely pretty man. I flaunt it. But you know what? Are you listening ladies? Read it slow. Let it really sink in. I also have a goddamn personality. Giggling and jiggling does not a personality make. I think what I am in the mood for is a nice bulleted list. Ready girls? Have you got a guy in the room to read it to you? Because if you don't, you're just going to be waiting for the pretty, pretty pictures.

1. - Lonely and can't admit it. You hate dating. You like your job. You prefer your books. You pay an unhealthy amount of attention to your MALE dog. You prefer having male friends. You cook a fuck of a lot. Hey, darlin', you wanna get stuffed like a toaster pastry. I'm wrong, you're scoffing and saying it right now. Tell me, sugarplum, why is it that you are the first one in line whenever your buddy Ted breaks up with his bitch? Oh, not to mention the fact you hated her despite the obvious complication that you never met her. That sounds like an emotion that begins with a J and ends with an ealousy. Who are you kidding?

2. - No daddy. You're fine. You pop pills like pez. Oh, and you need to have a hand in every little thing I do. I lived without you for many years, I can live without you for many more. You aren't my mother. Stop trying to be. I am sorry papa left you. Trying to keep a chokehold on every male you come in contact with is not going to bring him back. Trust me.

3. - Aren't I unique. I am so goddamn smart. I am so goddamn funny. I am so goddamn original. This is the most contemptible of women. And it bleeds into most of the goddamn gender. Are you tampon swapping? Because otherwise, I can't imagine how you managed to infect this idiocy onto so much of the populace. You've managed to convince yourself of your originality. You've denied yourself right into independence. You're career oriented. You have a lot of anonymous sex. Has it validated you yet? Let's play a little game. I like to call it "What the Fuck are You Doing." Hey, you brilliant girl. Why the hell is it that the first thing you do is strut your intellect. Oh, by the way, when I go off on a tangent why do you get madly defensive? Seriously, my lovely queen, when I very very gently remind you that Caesar was murdered, why do you degrade into insults and unattractive familial associations? Because you are so goddamn sure that you are a spectacular example, that when you get upstaged, it makes you fucking nuts. Because you were clinging to some childish ideal that you were so unbelievably special that no one could out do you. Honey. Everybody fucking dies. Honey. You're not a historical footnote. Honey. You're passably pretty. Honey. No one cares what you are talking about because you are just a warm hole to them. Honey. You're a pretty useless and pathetic warm hole.