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August 31st. Since you spend all your time reading supermarket tabloids and watching your "stories" on the glowing box that people may or may not live inside of you are no doubt aware of the split between myself and my lovely bride, Ms. Kimberly Williams Burnz. Our separation and subsequent divorce was directly related to (as she put it) having a childish online nickname attached to her name. I tried to tell her that she could change it back, but she had already set me on fire because she thought it would be ironic and/or I looked too much like an orphanage. Man, orphanages piss her off. The point being I was a bit flummoxed at the time. When I got out of the burn unit I was approached by a lawyer with divorce papers from Kim. Things had been rocky for a long time (see fire) and I guess a part of me knew this was coming. I love Kim with all my heart I know that the best thing I can do is set her free. It's just like the old saying "if you love something kill it before it cheats on you." At first I was really depressed about our split and lost almost 20 pounds. To be fair I was exercising and eating nothing but low carb subway sandwiches but still, I think the depression played a role. My sex life went right in the toilet, mostly because I didn't have a partner, and I started to think about killing myself. The only real problem was that if I did that then I couldn't write an update about it. At least not a good one. So it would probably look a lot like my others. Not to mention, killing myself takes away the only sexual partner that has really stayed with me Once I pulled myself up by my bootstraps…hold on. What the hell are boot straps? Who has straps on their boots? Is there a group of people with really long suspenders that just attach to everything? And, in turn, do those people have a lot of difficulty getting up? What a stupid saying. I meant their saying, not my saying. It's right up there with "natural and artificial flavors" as if there is another option that we aren't aware of. I can see putting "flavored naturally" or "flavored artificially" but when you have both, couldn't you just put "has fucking flavor" on the package? Is there "cosmic flavor" or something that is neither natural nor artificial? Thanks for reading that everyone, please bill me for the 30 - 45 seconds of your life that I owe you back. I like how I think the people that read this site could have gotten through all of that in 30 - 45 seconds. Most of you seem to call in to work just to spend the day getting through my update. Anyhow, once I mended my broken heart I started looking for someone to love. I wanted someone to love. I needed someone to love. I would have loved someone to love. And when I found her it was in the least likely place. Sometimes the one you want is right there in front of you and you never see it. She was in the least likely place. Wait, have I stressed that it was in a really unlikely place? Cuz it was. Possibly the least likely, but I wouldn't believe anyone that tells you that. It had never occurred to me to look in the world of animated fiction. I want everyone to know this: I love Jane Lane. Note: Thank God I don't read comic strips or I would probably be betrothed to notorious heifer Cathy. I just thought I would put that on here in case you needed a thought to help you cry yourself to sleep tonight. Banging Cathy. Oh, tenderly caressing her cellulite as you enter her over and over…great, now I made myself sick. My keyboard keys are going to stick. I hope you're happy with all I do for you reader(s). For those of you who don't know who Jane is, let me enlighten you. Jane is Daria's best friend from the MTV show Daria about a young girl named Daria that lives in Dariaville and eats a lot of Dariacakes while sitting on her Daria Daria Daria Dariatropolis. Jane is a lovely, dark haired beauty who has a wardrobe of nothing but black tights, red jackets, and oversized boots. She's currently attending Lawndale High School in Daria's hometown and while many of you may fault me for pursuit of a minor I will tell you that love knows no age. The law maybe, but not love. But the law certainly does and they rub it in your face all the time. Anyhow, Jane talks in a melodic monotone with a dismissive flare. She seems petulant and constantly bored, but underneath her tough exterior is an interior, and that baby is well decorated. Jane refuses to "bow to society" and is ready to "go her own way." How could I not "respect" that? She flies right in the face of normal, "carbon" based life forms like a june bug. I meant she flies like a june bug, not that the june bug is something she flies in the face of. Although I suppose she does both. She's about art, man, and piercings. There's a little bit of emo style angst and some real sass-mouth that she might have to have to grow out of. But I am willing to support her in all she does. To show my undying love, I composed a poem about dear, sweet jane simply called "I was a teenage soccer mom." I was a teenage soccer mom Jane Lane of Daria Fame/ Truly Yours, P.S. - Do you know anyone that needs a gently used LoJack? A steal at just 14.95 if they act right now. Course if it were actually a steal, the government would just give them one of their own…ROFL, crime is funny. I shall leave it (poem, the LoJack has sentimental value) with a dozen roses outside her door one night and then blow a single kiss to her that will float up like a little heart in the air and totally fucking bust through her window like some kind of badass ATF agent carrying some big ass rifle…full of love. And then drift over to her bed and gently awaken her with a feather touch like some kind of Ninja that caresses instead of slits your throat while you sleep. She will then come awake and drift down on winged feet to retrieve my gift…Except I can't afford roses. Maybe she likes ball bearings, cuz I got that shit all over the place. Could someone spot me a few bucks? I have always been a romantic at heart and I think that Jane will see through my tough exterior that inside me lies a gentle teddy bear that you would perhaps win at a fair and sleep with every night. Hopefully she won't do like that last girl and think it's in me because I ate it. Slander spreading whore. August 26th. It's good to see you all again. I'm especially happy to meet the delegate from the Black Lagoon. We had lost contact with his installation years ago and assumed the worst. Naturally we always assume the worst, but that's just how we unwind, am I right? Seriously, thank you for coming Doug, it's a real pleasure to know that your facility wasn't destroyed. Ok, as you all know the temp agency has sent us a list of applicants for temp to hire candidates and we've got to pick who will be best suited to our various areas. Now I am not going to lie to you, ok, actually I will, just not about this particular thing. These are far from the cream of the crop, but once we separate the chaff we might find a diamond in the rough. Oh goodness, mixing metaphors is just so naughty. I just love it. (Applause and the equivalent from the meeting members). Moving right along, here's what we've got to work with. Applicant #1 Anyone need a mailroom clerk or the like? This applicant doesn't seem to have any specialized skills or formal training so I don't think he's have much potential, but maybe with some real investment we could have middle management written all over him. He sounds like a go-getter. No takers? Moving right along then. Applicant #2 (Note: it didn't try to correct the word "cockrabbits" while I was writing this but had no synonyms for it. What is a cockrabbit?) We've checked her references and Hephaistos was very enthusiastic about our hiring her and didn't have enough hideous and grotesque things to say about her. Apparently she didn't even use her magic the whole time she was under his management at Bloodlust and Fright™. She seemed to prefer to tear the fetus out with her bare hands and was always willing to go the extra mile to try to get something to hemorrhage. Normally a former good witch wouldn't even be on the list, but with the clout Hephaistos brings to the table, I'm willing to bring her to work right here where I can watch her. To be honest, I had to go behind everyone's back and have already scheduled a urine test for her. If it comes back clean, at least then we know she's full of shit. (Standing ovation). Applicant #3 Ok, this is the most encouraging one yet. Young, self-absorbed. This is someone we can really mold into a truly vicious creature. Naturally, because this is my goddamn meeting and it is my fucking world and you all just live in it, badly I might add, I am going to have to recommend that our factory installation take her for their specialized brainwashing and then consider keeping her for help with the procedure because she clearly knows what it takes to get someone to buy into idiotic crap. Recorded by: Burnz / Princess Sparkles Not my best work, but we needed an UFNIS update. I'd do one more if my shift key wasn't in physical pain from that last thing. My hand is cramping, how do these fuckers do it? Is there a trick I don't know? Quiet Burnz now. August 23rd. Many of you are no doubt aware of my strange romantic leanings. Were the history of my love life to be written down it would probably read like a Lifetime Network horror novel or postmodern satire about the pitfalls of breeding and producing anyone with any interest in sex. While we all know I spend an uncomfortably repetitive amount of time talking about relationships, I am going to do it again. Let me explain why. My first drug was myself. I was a narcissist from day one. Loving Burnz was a full-time job. It only got worse as my off-beat good looks and lovely voice developed. Combined with my mental capacity it became nearly impossible for me to stop paying tons of attention to myself. I ignored my inability to write coherently and put, lots, of, commas. My second drug was anger. I had a very hot temper and a rather large body to express it with. I still love flying off the handle and throwing a tantrum at anyone near me. I grow weary of listening to people bitch and piss and moan in a seemingly never ending stream. Eventually I lose my fuse for being patient with it and explode in a fit. When you are a child a fit is a fist pounding expression of manipulative frustration. At 22 it's a simple, easy-bake way to get everyone to avoid you like grim death. When I rip a thermostat out of the wall and/or chuck it through a window it sends a very concise message to everyone around. I loved anger like it was family. Women were my third drug. They came right before my addiction to apathy. Some say they caused my apathy. But that is not the point here. I have always had a very strange taste in women. As I got older my odd attraction tendencies got gradually worse. While not a fetishist or other deviant sexual (primarily because if my sex drive were the placenta of a cat it would have been eaten long ago…what the fuck am I talking about?) I still like to find twisted women to love. I have an endless penchant for any kind of reddish hair. I like a good reddish brown and were you to look at some of my past girlfriends you would find an uncomfortable similarity in their hair. Redheads carry madness with them like it has handles and there is nothing hotter than damaged goods to me. Sick is Sexy. Beyond that I get awkward crushes on fictional characters. Remember Jane Lane from the show Daria? If I had an address for her I would have sent her flowers. 1st season Ally McBeal? My first girlfriend was almost exactly like her. Naturally the adorable sister from The War at Home (I still love Kimberly Williams *see archive 5*) lands high on the list. If Amelie weren't an idiot she'd be place holder on here. Naturally Sweet Tina *see girly profiles on the archives page* is a real heartbreaker. I can't help it, I'm addicted to love. I might as well face it. There's no doubt, I'm in deep. I like to think that I'm immune to the stuff, oh yeah, but to tell the truth I can't get enough. (Thanks Robert Palmer). As I descend into sick co-dependency my compulsions have gotten gradually worse. Anymore I just can't arouse any affection without some sickness or stupidity attached to it. I have compiled a list of my recent lovely loves: The Lawyer: She has giant eyes and when she yells her voice can nearly rival mine. I can love useless women (repetition, try it!) but someone that can bark in the same harsh way I do is just a siren. She even goes to the same AA meetings I do. She shoved me, she actually shoved me! She's a third my size and she shoved me!!! She's 13 years older than I am and an actual professional, but how could I not love a former drunk that shoved me? And green eyes and reddish hair, as I pointed out above…mmmmmm. To which I must add MMMMMMMM. The Teacher: I will openly point out how much I like the look of Librarians (Janet) and Secretaries (Tara) because women with glasses hit that part of my brain that is just lost in hormone attraction (say hi to everyone, whole brain) and it is this same area that seems to define my 7th grade math teacher as adorable. We don't mention that she is literally twice my age and has children that are exactly my age. Exactly. But oh, I am so stupid I will melt when she unobtrusively grabs my arm and leans against me. I hated her back then and saw her as a nazi dictator. And she was. But isn't it cute when a woman says y'all? Sandy blonde with deep blue eyes, not to mention I think she is a lesbian, but that voice. She smells like vanilla and there is an unbelievable quality that drives my psychosis driven attraction through the roof. I just love accents, even if it comes out of some Dixie whistling bag of lovable. The Killer: I know it was dropped to a manslaughter charge, but she bludgeoned her husband to death. Bludgeoned. Blunt force trauma is to me what bare midriffs are to other guys. I met her because she delivered meals at the jail where I did my last bit of time. I didn't get much time to chit chat, but that smile…heaven is missing an angel…course it is an angel that can swing a frozen leg of lamb into the skull of her life partner. Mousy brown hair with blue eyes makes her look like a female Chris Reeve. I could be fucking the family of superman!! Someone pinch me. Harder. Come on, pussy. The Aunt: She is my In-Law, so she doesn't have the same bloodline I do. I'm not sick. Although to be fair she could make incest look damn appealing. She has a lustrous black mane of hair that she almost always has tied back. That's like a woman in a suit, which is as appallingly appealing. It's like undoing the knot on the big Christmas present to see her come out of the shower in her robe, still drying her onyx hair. And then she smiles at you without a hint of flirtation. She nearly perfectly combines my sick attraction with my sick attraction to creating drama and fiddling with the lives of others for nothing more than my own amusement. I can't help it, I'm smitten. I think it's mostly a constant state for me. Just endless smit with just about anyone that might be a problem or instigate a whirlwind of nightmares in my revolting romantic life. Bring me your cheaters, your mentally ill, your huddled lunatics yearning to breathe free. I will date the hell out of them until I'm retrieved by either the police, the hospital, or the mortuary. God, now I am all a-tingle. God I need to stop talking about girls. Golly. Perhaps next time I will talk about the long internal discussion I had about whether or not I want Nelly Furtado and / or who I want to dance with. Thanks for your patronage. August 17th. And we're back here at insecurity bowl 2004. A big hello to everyone in beautiful San Diego California. Not because I am from there, but I just think those people need more greetings. Bonjourno! Now that's continental baby. Hey Dave, did you know I once had a continental baby? It's true, that made number eight. Snap, just some funnies for all you geographers out there, remember everyone: Never Forget! We've got some more steaming and I mean STEAMING profiling for these lads and lasses that have been parading around here looking like an anthill of ankle-biter sized dysfunction. You know what they say, you can't spell damaged without dam, and that is just what we need to stem the flood of abused or spoiled little buckets of neurosis. I'm throwing this report out to you from under my desk! That's right ladies and gentlemen, desk! Getting right down to the action, here's more diseased pups that are just cutting their teeth in the professional league of insecurity. Bet you wish you'd had the good sense to stick a wire hanger in these fleshy reasons for natural selection don't you? Now, dance magic, dance: Shadow: This slice of psychotic pie comes all the way from Seattle Washington and boy can she get his groove on! She fluctuates between a fit 120 to a bloated and slothful 245 at no provocation whatsoever. She's had years and years of training in the shadow game, constantly surviving behind a much more impressive figure in her household. We haven't had the time to talk to our lovely maiden here, so we don't know if it was a sibling or a parent that caused them a constant need for approval. Just like her bipolar weight, her methodology can change dramatically making this peach a real wild card. From backstabbing to groveling you can't predict what the voice in her head telling her she'll never be good enough will require her to do. Best as an accessory, but never a team player given her tendency to turn on a dime against her handlers. Playing with fire! Underendowed: Coming to us from the Pelican State of Louisiana we've got a real treasure here. While he may be a hulking and burly 260 pounds he's a mere 3 and half inches long and I don't think even the metric system has a measurement small enough for his girth. This bad boy is a real juggernaut. He's got enough Napoleon complex to fill a stadium. Having spent years with a towel around his waist in the locker room while he took out his frustrations on the weight bench he's ready willing and able to intimidate people nearly twice his size by sheer angry mad-dog presence. Nothing subtle about him with his flashy cars, uber-masculine accessories and attire, and short fuse. But he's easily waylaid by ladies who seem sensitive and understanding (beware the Show Off) to his diminutive plight. But watch it boys, his bite is as bad as his bark and for all you lying ladies, betrayal will cost you 4-12 teeth when he gets his hands on you. PrettyPrettyPretty: What is this lovely, leggy blonde doing here? Why is she strutting around in a pair of jeans cut so low her bush is peeking at us while if she arched her back nipples would be pounded out of the BOTTOM of her shirt? Does she need a thong obviously stretched up to her ribcage? Well spank me twice and call me Shirly, it's our friend from last year. A military brat born in Grenada at a scant and arrow-shaped 97 pounds this smoking gun is a raging pit viper. Don't expect strategy to come out of this one, the spelling of her name seems to change every time she writes it, so brains ain't her strong suit but look at her flaunt that body!! I thought two exclamation marks might do it but no "!!" those need to be added. Men want her, women want to be her and latch on like those fish that attach to a shark whose names I could easily look up but am not going to!! She's a good front player as she craves constant attention, but will be easily heartbroken by Dr. Mysterio (see below). Spurned boys and girls will turn on her with a vengeance that makes a bullet in the back look like a snack and a nap. Dr. Mysterio: 5'11" and 130 pounds. This tiger learned to change his stripes to avoid stereotype classification. Never outgoing or flamboyant at all he also managed to duck under the goth "You must be this morose to ride the ride" tape so that he just seems slightly distraught. A clutch player, he can sigh his way into many hearts and maintain the protection of any protector that thinks they are stronger than him. He's easily bullied, but very good at using that to his advantage to draw in followers. People won't flock to him, but he can silently entice a whole flock of "off the beaten path" types to defend him with a variety of their own tactics. His odd charisma lies in a very sullen demeanor that bespeaks of a well of pain and suffering that isn't actually there! Not the biggest rooster in the hen house, but what he lacks in prowess he makes up for in cruelty. He'll guilt you ladies into isolation and bizarre fetishist sex and you boys will start defending the little guy all over the place like it was your idea. Boyfriend / Girlfriend #1: No team is complete without this one two punch. To find out what they are like, try having someone throw a rabid cat right in your face. The swelling will go down, but the scars last a lifetime. This pair comes from Utah (148 / 110 respectively) and boy do they bring their A+ game. They can cling like leeches to anyone by any means necessary. Threats to kill themselves or their partner if they are left comes as naturally as breathing water does to a fish. They'll both cheat like bunnies…bunnies that cheat while keeping the other as a safety net. Outstanding liars both ways. He belittles her, she flirts to make him jealous. A solid pawn against almost any opponent because they have little or no regard for themselves. Humiliation, pain, degradation, lies, nothing is below the belt once they attach like a leech. They can morph beautifully into hack versions of any of the aforementioned contenders. Jacks of all trades and masters of none. All they know is: You cannot, will not, shall not get away from them. That's all for the preliminary rounds folks. Hopefully we'll be able to get some interviews with the jackals once the draft has been completed. Look for more illness than a cancer ward without the hot and horny nurses. God, I can't wait to get cancer. Until next time. August 16th. Unsure of who I should make amends to and those that I should just execute, I figured I would update with something that addressed neither. Might be a while before another update. Burnz ain’t at peak game. It’s kinda incomplete, you can forgive that or stop fucking reading. Oh, and while I may be lazy, we'll be back at our normal hosting right darn quick. Ladies and Gentlemen we are live live LIVE from Insecurity Bowl 2004. That’s right, we have been listening to every different kind of emotionally retarded contender today and boy are my arms tired…just a little joke folks, tip your waiters. Seriously, it has been a madhouse down on the floor. I am shocked it hasn’t come to slap fights or notes in lockers down there, it is just appalling the childishness these people are capable of. Fully grown, well-educated people turned into rabid animals by their sheer inability to have any kind of cognition outside of their own shitty self-esteem and to make sure that their poorly developed social and mental skills are defended behind whatever walls they have to build. I’m serious boys and girls, it has been a madhouse, an absolute madhouse around here for the last few hours. I almost feel like a kindergarten teacher behind bulletproof glass, and with things getting so hot hot hot down there, I’m grateful for that shatterproof divider. Today we’re just in the preliminaries with some real fire tight heavyweights trotting around. I don’t mind to tell you that there isn’t a self-help book in the world for these “legends of their own mind.” Since we are still in the drafting phase, we can’t give you more than some preliminary profiles and the teams that will pick them up. So here it is, it’s what you want, it’s what you drool for…what is it? That’s right, it’s the balls to the wall, all or nothing sport banned in 41 states but still popular everywhere. Here’s the rules for the newcomer: Insecurity Bowl has no rules!! None at all, including violating the law. That’s right, it is a social cage match where the dysfunctional come to RUMMMMMMMMMMMMMBLE!!!! They’ll use every piece of equipment at their disposal to usurp the confidence of others, maintain their own superiority and make sure that in the end they don’t feel like the worthless shit bag they are. We’ll hopefully be having continuous coverage of this event assuming we don’t break down and bawl at the pathetic nature of these beasts. But we are starting the profile draft picks. Here’s some of the big names coming out. As is always the case here at Insecurity Bowl, it’s boy, girl, boy, girl. Let’s see who is on the field: Intellectual Bully: Hailing from Dallas Texas and weighing an awkward 200 lbs this sucker has got some moves. No doubt he’ll be a contender. His signature is often using an overbearing intellect to intimidate and vilify his girlfriend. His social ineptitude is eclipsed only by his book smarts and love of foreign films. Currently a hack philosopher the Intellectual Bully is armed to the teeth with venomous quotes that can undermine logic by attacking any belief system behind it. He’s a middle player. Either controlling a conversation or adding to it with snide derision keep his game face on, but let me tell you, when faced with a fully factual, topical debate, he tends to fall apart unable to quip or overbear. An opponent with a solid stance that insists on sticking to it can really cock bite this little sucker by taking away his ability to draw the opponent into an emotionally provocative situation or pretentiously intellectual one will muzzle this little hound dog. Self-Righteous Ugly Girl: Here we have a hefty (haha) contender from Massachusetts at a fluctuating 280 lbs. She can be good against the boys and the girls. Both sides are mostly intimidated by her chameleon stance on any discussion and unassailable mental neurosis surrounding vulnerability. Yessir, she’s not fun to look at, but that is mostly a lulling mechanism for a devious mind. She isn’t well educated and she knows it, but she keeps her game total emotion. She won’t let up no matter how much you try to bring her back to logic. Circular arguments abound with this one as she uses her vulnerably hideous appearance as a lullaby before she comes at the contender with a ring of battering on a single item that she can convolute to suit her donut shape. This one seems to live in a tower folks...but is swooning just on the edge. Sheer determination and blunt battering will wear this ultimately sad little girl in a bulletproof shell down to a nub. The Prick: A masculine metronome from Tennessee at a fit 180lbs he can bounce between hero of the day and date rapist like none other. Fueled by a macho need for conquest and approval and hiding that behind a veneer of smiling hero, he’s a real superman. Relies very heavily on looks or non-intellectual prestige he can smile his way into a pussy and shove his way through a defender. Often quiet, harboring a false mystique, this gentle boy seems to have mystery and a killer bod, but then out comes the brain stick and he’s holding the girls down and making doe eyes the whole time. No jury will convict this built, sandy haired charmer. Always the last to fight and always the first on the gang bang list, a grinning veneer and enough talent to earn respect will probably keep these boys in the running for a long time coming. Show off: A trim and cute 110lbs from Boise this one can be a sleeper for the blunt types. She’s completely terrified about what the people around her think…but thank god she has legs, tits, and a pleasing waistline. She’s good at confusing females with mindless girl chat talks that don’t show any intent or malice at all and good at suckering the fellas with a cute exterior fueled by a hint of sexuality and innocence. Passive aggressive hatred of anyone that doesn’t suit her desire to make sure she can prance them around (with her ego all wrapped inside) brings out a false victim role. This one just wants to be loved…and will eat everyone between her and the imaginary mate of her dreams. Hostile jealousy and quaint, deer-like helplessness abound in this mannequin that has no real love or desire beyond her own egotistical gratification and the approval of the neighborhood, even if that neighborhood is full of nothing but knuckle-dragging mongoloids that eat uncooked dirt. That’s day one of Insecurity Bowl. Hopefully I’ll sober up enough for more of the same shit. |
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