With battle this intense only the most bloodythirsty need apply.

I knew it was going to be a hot time on the old town tonight when I camped myself out in front of the computer and fired up "Balloon Fight" for the NES. It is the Epic tale of a land torn asunder by the most frightening of all menaces, balloon wars. The game pulls no punches when it comes to depicting balloon combat. It tells the struggle of the indomitable human spirit against impossible numbers of Green, Blue, Red, More Green, White, and Some Kind of Puke Yellow creatures with beaks that wield not only balloons, but also inflatable latex sacs that they use to float. Make sure the kids are in bed before you even think of filling the screen with this gory thrill-ride.

You play the role of a sole commando air dropped behind enemy lines to combat the menace posed by many small multi-colored beak-people. They come at you in and endless stream with no purpose or possible end in sight much like cockroaches. Only imagine now those cockroaches have balloons, beaks, and hate you for your rounded features that are less dangerous, but far more popular with the ladies. Put all that in mind (after proper medication) and you know what I was up against playing this damn thing. You must defeat these monsters by landing on top of their balloon and then stepping on their head once they have been grounded. This hand-to-hand savagery is not for the faint of heart, I assure you. Anyone who has seen a balloon pop up close will be given flashbacks by the realism found in this game.Balloon Fight takes place in a world of perpetual night. Possibly because the sun has been blackened by a conspiracy of the balloon minions. In this realm of constant dark, there is a rich sky full of stars that blink in and out of existence. While my grasp of astrophysics leaves something to be desired (namely it leaves a grasp of astrophysics to be desired) I was under the impression that a star's light could not be simply flicked on and off. At the very least I assumed that a very powerful "clapper" would be attached to it, or a tasteful dimmer knob so that if so desired you could get a little "mood" starlight. This seems to not be the case in the world of Balloon Fight however.

I was easily distracted from the blinking starlight by the other laws of physics that are simply obliterated in this game. First - When your character exits from one side of the screen, he will immediately reappear on the opposite side. I can only guess that he has found a way to entirely circumnavigate the globe in a manner of seconds. This fact angers me, not because it is impossible, but because clearly it can be done, and lazy fucking sailors like Magellan just thought they would take their sweet ass time about doing the exact same thing. Not to mention all the playful mucking about with Typhoid and Dysentery and whatever other god-awful diseases they could find. Never trust a captain to do a Balloon commando's job.

In the same vein of historical laziness, the many characters of Balloon Fight use nothing but balloons (imagine!) and their hands to perform astonishing aerial feats. I can only ask now what the hell the Wright brothers spent all their time doing. If they had just spent the 38 cents for a balloon and then waved their hand near their ass they would have been flying in a matter of seconds. Want proof? Play Balloon Fight and see the tried and true documentation!

The lord's fury or sparkling accessories. You be the judgle.

Balloon Fight also features a truly rich cast with a wealth of stylish and individual villains and heroes. You can choose to play the role of either "Little Man with Red Balloons" or "Little Man with Blue Balloons". I think that there would be many more characters available but these are the only two people brave enough to be on the forefront of the balloon war lines. I only pray for their survival and hope that when they return home they will be given a proper parade and a red or blue medal respectively. In addition to the list of enemies above, The Almighty has decided to make an appearance. Random little blue dots will come from out of clouds in the background to smite you. Either these are the elusive "ball lightning" that many stories tell of, or God is using the sequins from Bette Midler's dress worn during her "Viva Las Vegas" tour. I am concerned that this is the extent of God's power. If it is, then that whole Sodom thing was total bullshit. Fish will also jump out of the water and swallow you. I don't know why they do this. I also don't know why the hell the elite soldier(s) (little blue man and little red man) can't swim. Or at the very least why they can't use the balloons they have been flying with to float on top of the water until someone happens by to throw them a foam ring that says "USS Hunky Dorey" on it. So if you touch the water, you drown without even splashing around like they do in the Sport's Illustrated Swimsuit issue. This proves your character to not only be weak, incompetent, and hydrophobic but also unsexy in a bikini or tasteful one-piece.

This review has been given my special award for most use of the word "Balloon". I will finish with a warning to all those blind to the balloon/ beaked person threat: Tread lightly lest the black scourge inflate a big bucket of death that may or may not say "Happy Birthday" on the side and then drift gradually to invade our shores…weather permitting.