October 17th
Mortality and Mini-Vans.

Ben: what's up, sweetheart?
Burnz: not a helluva lot. hows the bling bling out on the wonderland coast?
Ben: pretty fucking shitty. It is all rain and cold weather. and I have nothing to fucking do
Ben: oh wait, yes I do, I can complain and whine like a little bitch
Burnz: man, you're a workaholic
Ben: I have my cousin's wife online here, and she's telling me that she's going to ask him for a divorce
Burnz: great
Burnz: way to make it a family affair
Ben: just what in the the name of Isaac H Newton am I supposed to say to that?
Burnz: is she hot?
Ben: god no
Burnz: then you tell her to stay with the man
Ben: good idea. I'm sick of all the ugly single bitches out there
Burnz: yeah, lock them into monogamy
Burnz: take their uterus
Ben: yadda yadda my husband blah de blah kids fucking yappity yap unhappy..... I want to shoot her
Ben: or duct tape a hose to her mouth and turn it on full blast
Ben: that would be more dramatic I think
Burnz: much
Burnz: I don't think you have properly considered the multi-facility of a combine
Ben: why does banal shit like this always gravitate towards me? I guess that is what I get for dealing with the fairer sex, or bitches as I endearingly refer to them.
Burnz: what can I say? people like to yammer at you about useless shit
Ben: sort of like..... I'm..... doing to you right now. Where is my shotgun?
Ben: I have to go smoke
Burnz: try to make it last
Burnz: it dulls the pain
Ben: yeah but who's pain are we dulling here?
Ben: by the way, how is your father?
Burnz: dead. Died Saturday morning.
Ben: Sorry to hear that
Burnz: not like we were real close or anything. What I just can't take is the goddamn people that want to help. I couldn't stand to hear one more "is there anything I can do for you?"
Ben: just tell them "yes, you can turn the fuck around and leave, or possibly get me a blowjob"
Burnz: "and not with your ex-con brother women this time, I am greiving, I want women"
Burnz: it is the second stage of mourning, desire to have sex with hot women
Ben: which pretty much still lingers after the mourning is done with
Burnz: and was there beforehand
Ben: if I left the house to do anything other than work I think I might have a chance... I am sure there's some cliche for that
Ben: or perhaps a silly anecdote
Ben: maybe hot chicks don't like the smell of liquor all over a man
Burnz: they learn to like it you starve them a couple days. hobble them misery style. make them give you a lap dance while they weep
Burnz: smother yourself in deviled ham, they'll come around. although they might get a little toothy if you don't use a muzzle
Ben: deviled ham might attract fatties. But on the same note, smothering myself in 100 dollar bills might achieve the desired effect
Burnz: not a lot of licking going on then
Ben: unless they are trying to get coke residue off the bills
Burnz: you are a true idea man
Ben: I don't know if I want fatties or not
Burnz: you don't. You want them trim and firm and afraid
Burnz: shy, timid, busty, mute
Burnz: or that kind of dead where they are still warm
Ben: and the real plus: the ability to open a twist top beer
Burnz: with their vagina
Burnz: we are real princes, twist top beer on an expensive night. bud light, the anniversary beer
Ben: at least chicks can't say we're trying to set our standards too high. a midget could high-jump over my standards bar, as it is right now
Burnz: who likes an overacheiver?
Ben: soccer moms, which I do not want to date
Burnz: but you can get the whole team in on it. balls bouncing around, that big backseat, sweaters tied around her shoulders, so sexxy
Ben: you just set the sick-ass standard for tonight. May I shake your hand, sir?
Burnz: no really, it was nothing. I just love what I do
Burnz: you have to want a woman that does sing-alongs on road trips
Burnz: "John Jacob Jingleheimer Smith" and her name is bent over
Ben: or possibly plays eye-spy with you
Ben: "I see something erect"
Burnz: "something huge and pink"
Burnz: doesn't mind stopping halfway through to get out the coupon book
Burnz: hot and thrifty
Ben: and doesn't mind letting me off for a few minutes at the dinousaur exhibit on the side of the highway
Ben: "where are your manners, young man? would you kiss me with that mouth?"
Burnz: moans the names of household cleansers
Burnz: oh ajax
Burnz: you are my mr clean all right
Ben: "daaaawn, fuck it hard baby, windex, oh my god!"
Burnz: oxi fucking clean
Burnz: unnnnnnnnn, you make my colors brighter big fella
Burnz: and they say the modern male lacks finesse
Burnz: We are all about finesse
Ben: I think we have proved them the fuck wrong
Burnz: they are so fucking gay
Ben: jesus, now I am going to catch myself doing the cunnilingus sign to women in the front seat of a minivan
Burnz: I bet they have ass sex they are so madly horny faggishly gay
Ben: I bet they wear richard simmons's underwear for a bonnet they are so goddamn full of the homo
Burnz: I bet they even had their boyfriend buy it for them
Burnz: and he is gay too
Ben: oh ouch
Burnz: and they probably have gay sex in their bed
Burnz: man, those gays
Ben: fucking faggot ass faggots