Dear Mr. Burnz,

We regret to inform you that your application for employment must be denied for the reasons described in this letter.

Your urine sample was the primary concern by most members of the administration. First of all the hospital would like to bring your attention to the fact that no discharge from the body should be any shade of blue, and that it was your urine suggests that you may require serious medical help or should drastically alter your consumptive habits. They also requested that we inform you of the charges being pressed by the hospital for your actions. Coercing the nurse into the bathroom to see your unhealthy urine glow in the dark, and then fondling her is morally sickening and certainly illegal. You will be hearing from the court shortly. Their report also indicated that your urine did in fact glow. This item has them baffled and they will be pressing for further medical testing.

As to your employment with us. It is our policy to deny employment to anyone whose system contains chemicals in illegal amounts. You were found to have large quantities of all of the following: THC, LSD, PCP, ABSINTHE, AET, BARBITUATES, DOM, DPT, BORON, KRYPTONITE, PLUTONIUM, URANIUM, various kinds of AMPHETAMINES and METHAMPHETAMINES, and even POTASSIUM and HISTAMINE in levels that were judged to be against the law. While we would like to believe (as you have claimed) that this is the result of lengthy exposure to governmental toxic waste due to the position of your residence, the fact you have no permanent address contradicts this.

We also believe that you had prior knowledge of the failure of this test. Alissa, the courier who brought us the sample gave us a full report. She professed that you first menaced her with a blade, and upon failure of that course you seduced her. While she does wish for us to convey the message that you "made her cream like a barnyard milk cow" and that you are “truly the finest matador that ever lived” her first loyalty is to the company. She insisted that we also input the fact that she “has to eat, so I’ll let these corporate bitches beat me like a yard nigger until we can be together and cast them into the volcano."

Furthermore we were greatly chagrined by the subterfuge you used in the list of contact phone numbers given to us by you. You were unavailable at all of them, and at all but one we were received with great hostility and have had multiple parties attempt to retain our services in your execution in exchange for currency. The only one that was civil at the mention of your name was the Japanese Consulate, who made a very tempting offer for us to deliver your head to them.

Be assured that we have also contacted the police. It was an unnecessary step however, because they have already made multiple attempts at apprehending you. The Mayor offered us a key to the city if we “Bring in Burnz' waggling cocksucking tounge so that I can lick my balls with it”. Needless to say that you will be unwelcome at our business as well as our city in the future.

I will finish this letter with my personal note that while I cannot prove that you are the father of my daughter’s unborn illegitimate child, nor that it was indeed you who sent the photographs of me dressed in Cher’s 1988 tour costume while engaging in anal intercourse with what is apparently four baboons to the paper; I can however guarantee that your guilt will be exposed soon enough.

My daughter also asked me to relay to you that she “will take the life of my weak parents if it please you.” She then curtsied and cryptically quipped “M’Lord.”

So thank you for your application and your interest in working with us. Perhaps after the resolution of all the above mentioned issues we can consider a working relationship in the future.

Thank you for your time,
Some Fucking Suit. (Might have been Some Suit Fucking, I spilled a Whiskey Sour on it and the ink ran a little bit so I had to sign it from memory.)