These are a collection of all the personal profiles I have written over the years. Enjoy!

1 - Headline: Deth B 4 Dis-on-er!!!

About you: My weapon of choice will always be the written word. I won't say anything trite like "The pen is mightier than the sword" because I have been on the business end of a sword, and just trust me, you wish you hadn't brought a quill. I'm madly infatuated with the kitch genius of Johnny Mneumonic. A super-intelligent dolphin, Ice-T, the street preacher, a girl that throws nails, and Henry Rollins as a doctor named spider. I get chills, really, chills. My favorite thing is women that spend all their time talking to their ex-boyfriend and have an overhand throw with bricks like Nolan Ryan.

My Match: I will say that if you are a woodland fairy that grants wishes, then you might just be my perfect date. I don't even care about a lack of limbs or severe facial scarring then. Grant me wishes and it is amazing what I can put up with. Just let me know how I can rub your lamp, or find your pot of gold, or capture you or whatever the hell it is you do with fairies to get wishes.

My idea of a perfect first date: Just so long as one partner doesn't eat the other it is a beautiful evening. I don't care if the whole night is hateful silence, just as long as someone isn't swallowing someone else. Boy I sure made that sound fun didn't I? Maybe dinner and a little self-mutilation, how's that for excitement?

2 - Headline: Stop stealing my newspaper.

About you: The damn boyscouts are a bunch of evil survivalist masterminds that are programming young boys to tie knots and live off the land. Next they will teach them how to bury guns and fight government agents. I just thought I should warn you. I also like apple pie. Also, this one time, I was in a canoe with this other guy from nantucket and we were talking about sex and he said....where are you going? I am not done with the story yet. Don't you dare look at any other profiles, am I not good enough for you?

3 - Headline: I learned a lot in Prison

About you: I can dig a full size grave in under 30 seconds, time me! I think adding an exclamation point to the end of a sentence makes it dramatic! I will not try to dance because I do it like a drunken bear. I don't like it when people insist on threatening me with broken bottles. I will buy apple turnovers on impulse, but not strudel. They always try to get you with the strudel. Do you know what strudel means in German? Me either, but it sounds menacing to me. "Sir, the strudel are storming Poland" "No!!!!! (now that is dramatic) Not the strudel." I won't dive onto a rocky cliff to rescue you with a cinematic leap that is best seen in slow motion. If you don't like it too damn bad, what was a woman doing trying to dismantle the armaggeddon machine in the first place? I will talk so you can't understand me. You want a piece of my hot man-ness, come get it. Otherwise you are wasting a third-rate profile's time!

4 - Headline: I AM THE UBER-BURNZ!

My hobbies: Avoiding eye contact, selling body parts for narcotics, buying large amounts of mid-ocean property. I will endlessly drone on about Hunter Thompson. I will act interested when you talk about your family but really be nodding understandingly whle surreptitously staring at your breasts. I will vandalize public monuments and try to stop you from crying by breaking magnets on your refiderator. I will spell refridgerator wrong. I don't know where the beef is. I will use my roomate's soap without shame. All I really want is a man-servant that I can whip with a cat of nine tails while he sharpens my weapons on one of those archaic stone wheels. I want him to say things like "Yes m'lord" and "I swear by my life it shall be done." Respond to that sugar cakes, I didn't think you would.

5 - Headline: Looking for food.

About you: Did you all know they have little "How to write a good personal essay" links? They are delightfully useless for the intended purpose, but given a little work, they are fabulous mad-libs. Example: Hello my name is (name) Dreary Goblinkind. I am a(n) (occupation) Ruler of the minions of the dark lord Terribus. Most of my day is spent doing these things: (three activities) playing the fiddle, eating cucumbers, building a Stinger Missle. I am trying to meet a (description of person) woman whose back has the stalwart muscularity to withstand the stresses of the harvest. My friends describe me as: (two adjectives that capture you!) Malcontent and A master of all arts that involve use of beads or small stones with holes drilled into them. I think I am quite a catch because: (really sell yourself, just whore it all out there!) Most of my surgery was successful and I am a tax write-off in 42 states. (sign-off) Please free me, he has me locked up down here all day writing total crap!

6 - Headline: You can only jerk off for so long.

My sexuality: nobody's business

My ethnicity: Burnzerian

What I'm like as a honey: I am thick with a tangy flavor at first that degrades into a mild glow. I am best in tea and on biscuits. WARNING: TheBurnz cannot be considered a significant source of calcium.

What I look for in a honey: One leg. You try getting away with only one leg, it is tough as shit.

Your best lesson in love: Knives are always the answer to the question "What are you going to do about it?".

I'm a hell of a honey because: Oh goodness, I don't think that ____ should swear. So un-website like.

7- Headline: LOOK, WE JUST NEED A PURE MAIDEN TO OFFER FOR A SACRIFICE. I KNOW THIS IS SHORT NOTICE, AND I AM OUT OF HEADLINE SPACE.

About me: I am tired of watching over the souls of by myself. If you can windsurf and know how to light a flag, drop me a line

What you want in a mate: Oh. now you want me to put what I want, well too little too late. Its been all about you since the beginning, suddenly my needs are important. I'm sorry, I'm going to find someone who cares about me and won't just give me this little box to write in when things get rough.

8 - Headline: Souless junkie husk seeks same.

About me: I want (as so many people do) a depressed, self-loathing animal to shoot up with. Boy, I bet the censors are having a ball with this one. Me: I will quote Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, I will smoke and complain about it, I will be endlessly amused by anything that flashes, I will get nervous around those magic boxes you people cook with, and I will argue endlessly about the benefits of bologna whether I have an actual point or not. I don't care if you don't like it, it is a very versatile sandwich meat.

What you want in a mate: It would be nice to find a circus geek that knows what the hell this thing on my neck is...a rash? a fungus? But I am not going to hold my breath. I'll give anyone a chance, why predispose groups of people because they don't like sports, or eat with chop sticks, or have those "goals" things? Write me now!...go on...I'll wait...well?

9 - Headline: Gentleman spy seeks microfilm

Ad: If I were not me, I would love me. I would take that under advisement if I were you.

Look, I'm sick of this. Just respond to the ad and there doesn't have to be a problem. I've seen a hundred of you come and go. It wouldn't bother me at all to be taking you out of this world!

Calm down. Just talk to me. I want to help you here. He's crazy, there is just no controlling him. If you don't give me anything to work with then I can't protect you. So just give me something, anything and we can make this work.

You're damn right I'll kill you missy! I didn't take this job to watch lunatics like you walk the streets. I am here to protect the normal people from piles of selfish matter like you! I'm done playing around, either you cooperate or you won't just live an empty life, you'll live an empty life in the hospital eating out of a tube! Do you want that?

New! 10 - Headline: I read a book with no pictures.

About you: I fear quality photography because of the ruin it has brought on the modern world. I just want to live in blessed ignorance. Frankly it is just too much to think past my living room. Maybe the kitchen if I am feeling particularly adventurous. I think I spelled that wrong, but in a provocative way so I will leave it. I like food and sleep. Those are nice. I am not good at profiles, I am too tempted to play silly games rather than tell you anything you can use. But I admit when I am wrong, how many guys do you know that do that?

Describe your ideal match: I just want the love my parents had. Picture a quiet evening with the TV muted while showing the third hour of Star Trek. I come home to find my dinner is cold so I throw the plate against the wall and swear violently. You then throw a shoe at me and tell me I could never measure up to the lovely man you let get away. With moonlight spilling gently into the room, I bed down on the couch while you cry quietly into your pillow. The next day, you throw my clothes onto the lawn and burn them. Toss in a domestic disturbance call and a tense conversation through glass with wire mixed in and you have a dream that I can believe in. I'm just playful, you'll find me much more pleasant than you think, but most of you stopped reading a long time ago.