Dear Ransomer,

While I am more than mildly impressed with your breaking and entering ability, I must say that your skills as a kidnapper are sub-standard. I know you were expecting money to be in this bag, but I thought that I wouldn't be any kind of victim if I didn't share knowledge with you. Believe me when I tell you that is far more valuable than the four million dollars you originally requested.

First I am going to talk about this note…at least I think that is what you want to call it. May I say that your grammar is appalling, and not in a broken and frightening way. I did not question your stability while reading this letter; I merely scoffed at your ineptitude with the English language. Your first sentence: "We have daughter." You didn't specify an article. I don't know that you have my daughter. This could have been a birth announcement for crying out loud "Pass around the cigars, we have daughter!" It reads like a NASA broadcast, "We've got ignition, and daughter." Your next sentence: "Give 4 Mill. Dollars or she dies!" You are too lazy to spell out four, or complete the word million, but you will put an exclamation point? If this is any indication of your sloth, then I am sure that I can simply wait and when you get tired of caring for the child you will release her. You also didn't specify to whom I am giving four million dollars, another indication of your completely lead ass. You then went on to tell me to "Leave in bag beside Golden Gate Bridge." Well that was really smart wasn't it? First, leave it in a bag would be correct. Furthermore, knowing your predisposition of laziness, I question that you would walk up and down the whole fucking bridge to find where I put it. Have you seen the Golden Gate? You gave shoddy dropping instructions, just really third rate.

Besides grammar that made me nearly ill, you also had an amateurish style. Yes, it is very quaint and nostalgic to use the magazine and newspaper clippings to write with, but it screams ineptitude and over-saturation with dreamy cinematic portrayals of kidnapping. Besides that you put a letter from the cover of Maxim next to that of Low Rider Magazine. Jesus Christ, didn't you consider an apprenticeship program? Maxim and Low Rider…I'm nearly speechless. This is not a "Learn as you Go" affair, this has to be timed to the last second…A fucking letter from the cover of Maxim and Low Rider Magazine…and the latter was off the fucking magazine title. Here is a hint, if you are going to use the clippings method, don't pick distinctive letters, EVER! You have my daughter; let her write the goddamn thing. At lease she has a second-grade education. Maybe have her scrawl it in her own blood, now that would tell me you are serious…or send an ear.

Speaking of my daughter, you should do a little research. You could have easily learned that she is clearly the least favored. Our 2 year old is the golden child. You took Sandy, the product of a defective Trojan (mind you it was a Magnum…damn right). Hell, I thought about getting rid of her more than once and now you expect me to pay to get her back? I didn't even know about her until 4 months in to the pregnancy and it was another 14 before I saw her mother again. I might just offer to give you 2 million to keep her. I wouldn't have to talk to her sow of a mother, that right there is invaluable.

Even my new wife is happier this way. Sure, she loved little Sandy and all. But it isn't like she was her daughter. She has been using her larger amounts of free time to read again and even write a little poetry. Sure, it is mostly "I know she isn't mine, but I miss her and want her back. I just want us to be a family again" type of stuff, but it is very good to see her back at writing again, something that she hasn't done in ages.

I do hope this helps you in your career. I know what it is like to need a little advice with a new job and don't mind helping, but I really am not in a position to continue doing this. I should be spending my time sullenly sitting in Sandy's empty room cradling her favorite doll, or detaching from my wife and other child out of neurotic fear of feeling this pain again; not taking precious minutes to correct you. All that is needed is a little effort and motivation. Good luck in the future. Maybe you can still make something out of this kidnapping and turn me into a very distraught and frightened reference for the future.

Sincerely,
Man without daughter.